(October is Domestic Violence Awareness month…so this was the hardest post I’ve ever written. But I felt this month was perfect to share PART of my story, and why October is important to me…)
Before you came along, I was good, I worked out, I had the greatest girlfriends, I laughed loud, I loved a good funny snap chat filter and didnt feel “like a small child”, I wore my favorite hat and drank margaritas with my friends and never felt “I looked like an idiot” I was me… and I loved me.
I wish I had walked, when on the first date.. The bartender said “welcome back, you gonna stay here ALL night?” because you had been in there right before, with another female…
I wish I had walked, when I caught you outside of my house, uninvited. Not to surprise me. But to see if I was alone.
I wish I had walked, when I found out you had been “divorced for a year” and every single friend I had… couldn’t find a SINGLE divorce filing.
I wish I had walked, When you took a “3.5 hour trip to pick up your child, from your “ex wife”… who wasn’t actually your ex…because “babies take a long time to load up”
I wish I had walked the very first argument.When you choked me until I passed out,hit my head on a dresser and then convinced me, I was having a seizure, and convinced my parents, I had taken some kind of drug.
I wish I had walked, when you invited me to a wedding, on my birthday in Georgia, where you flirted with a bridesmaid so obviously, that she offered to drive me home because “no one deserves that”. Then….you left me alone in Georgia, to figure out a way to get myself back home… 3 hours away.
I wish I had run, when You kicked my car door backwards and broke it off the hinge, when I asked you to please leave. Then followed me inside, choked me, punched me, looked me dead in the face while on top of my chest and said “Why do you make me act this way? So that now, I have to kill you…I want you dead”
I wish I had walked, when I found out you took MY dog, to your ex’s house, and left him in the car while you…. (I’ll let you assume here) …. Then,you took off to Florida so you wouldn’t have to “deal with my crying when I found out”.
And finally, I ran. I ran so far I’d NEVER return. When I found out, from a phone call at work, that you had been meeting up, and texting a different (and very very young) girl…IN MY DRIVEWAY. I asked you why?.. You kicked in my bathroom door, off the hinges, choked me and backhanded me so hard… that for 3 days, full face makeup… people still noticed, they still asked. As the police came, you told me… “look at you Roo, still doing stupid stuff, always the stupid one. I’ll get out in 3 days, and I’m coming back here, to kill you.”
I never looked back.
I left. Totally broken. Mentally destroyed, I felt embarrassed, ashamed, unworthy of love,I didn’t sleep unless I stayed with my parents, I was scared that soon, I would be found dead. I felt absolutely the ugliest, biggest, and craziest… I had never felt this way before. Being the smallest, I have EVER been, in the best shape I’d ever been.. Because someone had destroyed me inside. Someone had to break, and tear me down piece by piece, so that they felt power, so that they felt in control of me, my choices, my ability to make choices, and every single thing I thought.
But you know what? They may have had that for a little bit… but they lost it. They lost it because inside me, with help from my family, from my friends, and honestly from strangers just seeing the outside. I found myself again. And not just myself… a BETTER version of myself.. I left battered, broken, and lost, and with the help and love of good people, a lot of research on narcissism abuse, and months of therapy and healing. I found the BEST version of me, the strong one, the outspoken one, the opinionated one… and most importantly, the one who wasn’t afraid anymore.
Did you know?
Everyday in America… 3 women, are killed by a partner or a former partner?
I tell you all these things,to not just show you, this can happen to ANYONE. Because it happened to me, and I don’t know how. Also, to remind you…
It’s never too late to walk. It’s never ever too late to run.
Its okay. Question, every single detail that doesn’t make sense. Was something said that just struck you the wrong way? Did you catch a lie? Did you see a text that doesn’t add up? Not finding that divorce filed online? Did he act like he was gonna hit you? DID he hit you?
Trust your gut. Don’t be convinced that “he will change for me” because darling, he won’t. Don’t let him convince you, that you’re the reason, he has to hit you, be cruel, or talk to other women. Because you are not. You, like I did, Deserve so much more. And So much more is out there.
Just Keep Moving.
If you, or a friend, are in a dangerous situation that you feel you can’t get out of. I am here, my inbox, and DMs are always open. I encourage you, if it’s a friend, speak up. They may get upset, but at least you’ve spoken your piece and when/if something happens… You’ll be the first one they contact.
If you need help, 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or they have a chat online option available at TheHotline.org