“You guys aren’t doing the right thing.”
It’s what we’ve heard, since the day we met.
When we started dating, we “weren’t doing right” by dating since we had been friends for so long.
When we got married, we weren’t doing right, because we ran into it. And were married within 2 months.
When we remodeled our house, and moved ALL the furniture in, while remodeling. Still “not doing the right thing”
When at 31 years old, I posted a story on my personal Instagram, that dropped the words “oh shit”. We recieved THE text, that ended it all for us, that changed our entire mindset, that set in stone what we already felt and made it a “never looking back” thing.
That simply read– that we still were “Not doing the right thing, (and) please stop being embarassing to the family”
(Mad yet? Upset? Shocked?Noticing a pattern here?)
Whenever we make a choice, we always hear from someone, somewhere, no matter HOW little they may or may not mean to us.. “You’re not doing the right thing”
So to that I have to say….. Just Shut Up.
You read it here, and I will repeat it for good measure, Just. Shut. Up.
Or in my FAVORITE words ever from my dear friend Megan… “you can take that to church Sunday Morning, and eat it like a peppermint”
Learning the Painful way
Josh and I spent a lot of our younger years living by other people’s ideas of right and wrong. We were forced to “believe” in things that we honestly didn’t believe in.Forced to behave, dress, associate with people, and were guilted into relationships that honestly we just didn’t feel were us. We didn’t want to do it. But we felt we had to.
And you know what happened?
A LOT of bad.
A WHOLE lot of bad.
We spent time trying to keep this person happy, that person happy, maintain relationships that honestly, we didn’t even like. Because “it’s the right thing to do ”
Until we both fell into serious depression,that added physical weight to both of us, stress,confusion, alot of anger and a hefty therapy bill after it was all said and done.
We both lost ourselves, who we really were, what we really liked, and caved into lives that we didn’t want to be a part of. We added to parts of our lives, things we didn’t want or like. And why?
Because “It’s just the right thing to do.”
What the Actual….?
On what planet, did we get the right to control another person’s life so much, that we tell them what is right for them. That we tell them, what is going to bring them happiness? That we force their hand and make them see that what WE want for them,(jobs, kids, homes, churchs, food, anything) will make another person happy?
On what planet, Did it become okay that you make people unhappy and totally miserable, for not wanting what YOU want in their life? When did this become acceptable behavior that you have to associate with things and people you didn’t like, who made you wanna pull your hair out, because it was “right”?
When did the good lord above give us folks down here, that right to control another person’s decisions on happiness and life choices?
Spoiler Alert:: He didn’t.
So Explain To Me How
I have on numerous occasions asked people to explain to me how they know what is right for me. How they can tell me, what works best for me, my well-being and my happiness. Josh has done the same.. And the answer? Is always the same.
“well…I.. ummm… I mean, It’s just right. I know you.”
You knew a version, that wasn’t real. You knew a version that you built, or watched someone else build. So let’s open up the cold hard truth now, You don’t know people, you know what they show you. But you never actually know them.
Pastor Houston– is NO longer Pastor Houston. He no longer pushes for the church,he no longer has the desire to find the lord anywhere outside of his own personal space and area where he can speak to him as freely as he wishes,and he doesn’t wanna worship band ANYTHING, at ANY given time, and you won’t catch him in a suit ever again.
Pastor Houston, now has tattoos, (a lot of them), that he’s only dreamed about for years, he has a lip ring and a nose ring that he will tell you, is NEVER coming out again. He has a potty mouth, he enjoys his Natty lights, his Jordans, and boy does he enjoy his Sunday Brunch. He doesn’t keep his face shaved and his hair short because it’s “appropriate for his job”, he answers to no one but the big guy upstairs, and he speaks the truth at any given moment. (and we absolutely love him for it..) He laughs loud, and often, and is definitely a strong presences in any room.
Say-Roo– Is no longer, Sayroo. She doesn’t follow the prim and proper, doesn’t live in Lilly,attend any kind of church, or shop at that latest Belk sale. She doesn’t attend dinners or formal parties, or Dedicate her entire Sundays to “family days”,nor is she easily manipulated into these either. She no longer gives up her comfort or her space, to make anyone else comfortable (I am not a tempurpedic mattress)
The passive person you knew, no longer exists here, she no longer sits quietly at the table while the men speak, those days are dead. Opinionated, she is brave, and she says bad words. Lots of them actually. She doesn’t force anyone to be in her presence, and doesn’t beg for conversation,has tattoos that were forbidden due to being “trashy” at one point, and she wears her hair long and dark, not the short blonde you all knew. She also speaks the truth, and has testimony that could bring you chills and rage at the same moment. And she speaks it loud and proud.
Remember this before you go telling them what works best. That you don’t know people. You know the highlight reel that they are allowing you to see.
So What Is Best
What is best. Is that you do, whatever makes YOU happy.
Ok..ok.. So I know it sounds easy, and I know it’s really not. You have to have the right support and the right people on your team supporting you. There are so many questions we get from people who know our backgrounds now. Who knows the choices we’ve made in the last (almost) year.
“Are you worried they will cut you off/ never come around/ etc”
You have to let that fear, GO. If you are hanging on, and living your life for someone else’s“Right” because you are worried they will cut you off or make life different/hard. I’m here to tell you, you already are in the wrong place. You’re living under someones control, and that’s a dangerous spot no matter who it is.
“What if they end up hating me for me?”
Then let them. Trust us- Let. Them.
Because once they hate you for you. Then you’re too busy being loved by the right people, who love the real you. That you won’t even notice.
“Is it going to be hard?”
Finding yourself after that- yes.
I won’t ever lie about it, and neither will Houston. It took us a long time, to find ourselves after following other people’s path for so long. (Houston WAY longer than me,because his path was longer and mentally harder but that’s a story he will tell you).
It took a lot of trial and error, It took a lot of, tossing ourselves out there. And finally, one day you wake up. And you realize.. “This is me, And this is happiness.. And nothing is gonna take that.Nothing I will allow to remove this.”
It is a solid and freeing feeling.
Find your own ideas of the right thing. And Chase it. Never stop chasing it,never let anyone stop you or change your path, ever. Because that is where happiness lies, in your own hands on your own path.